From the inbox #119

TW: Abuse

“I’m an asexual panromantic/demiromantic, I’m not really sure, not sure it matters really. I was in an abusive relationship (my only relationship) about 4 or so years ago (physically and emotionally abusive), and suffer from mild PTSD as a result, and depression which the abuse probably didn’t help. I am also a underclassman undergraduate. I have been hesitant about wanting a relationship since then, although I have developed (nonsexual) crushes on individuals since then. I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I do have interest in having another relationship, be that eventually or whenever. I do miss the cuddling and long hugs and physical nonsexual contact I had from that doomed relationship. However, many of the people I have had crushes on seem to not be willing to understand what it is I am/want/need and simply see what they can get to their advantage, for example invalidating my romantic feelings on the grounds that I’m asexual, or simply conveniently forgetting I’m asexual and trying to do what they can with playing with my mental illnesses and see how that goes.

In order to have a snowball’s chance in hell at finding a healthy, uplifting, satisfying relationship for both parties, would it benefit me to recede back into the closet if I am openly ace? I don’t know how much I’m willing to negotiate as far as touching and all that goes, I guess I’d have to find out through effective communication and mutual respect and whatnot, if I’m lucky enough to find that sort of thing…..”

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