“So, I’m a mostly closeted ace/aro-spec, but I tried my hand at writing an ace character, and I was kinda curious what the ace community thought of it.
Here it is.
Hey, so if you’re reading this, I guess you found this file somewhere. Pretty cool, huh? I didn’t really ever think anyone would find this. I kinda thought it would sit here in this computer until the end of time. Or something like that anyway. So, um, I guess I’ll tell you my story since you’re here. Not that it’s really interesting. I guess you just don’t have anything better to do than sit here and listen to some poor girl’s story. I sure as
… Mum always said I shouldn’t use such language. I sure as heck don’t have anything better to do.
My name’s Zoe. Zoe Hartfeld. I could tell you when and where I was born, but it wouldn’t mean anything to you. Not now, at least, anyway. I don’t really know where to start. If I could convey nervous laughter through writing, I would. I mean, I suppose I could just say “hehe” or something like that, but that has never seemed to properly convey laughter, if ya know what I mean. Anyways, back to my story. I guess it really started when I was fifteen.
You see, my father died before I was born. Some thug shot him up. My mum couldn’t really take care of me, so I just kinda grew up on the streets. My life had a lot of problems. Not enough food. Not enough clean water. Not enough money. When I was fifteen, my mum got really sick. Like really really sick. I think she might have been sacrificing her food so I could eat, but she never said that. She was all I had in the world, so I determined to do everything I could to save her. I was used to begging, but now I could be found out begging almost 24/7. I looked through the web on an old computer one of the other street guys had found, trying to diagnose my mum so I would know what medicine to buy.
One day, as I was begging, one of the guys from the neighbourhood approached me. His name was Kalos. Mum always told me to stay away from him. Something about “dirty work”. Half the time, Kalos was never around, but he’d always show back up, drunk out of his wits with a joint in his hand. “Hey, girl, I’ve got some work I could give you, if you’re interested. Meet me at the lamppost tonight at ten if you’re in.” He flashed me a gap-toothed grin and dropped a coin in. When I looked at the coin, it was gold! It was too small to have much value, but maybe there was more where it came from.
Well, I knew Mum would never approve of my doing anything with Kalos, so I didn’t say a word. I tucked her in early and snuck out when she started snoring. It was a dark night, but the lamppost, a common meeting place in the hood, gave off some light. Kalos beat me there. He was leaning against the post, smoking. “Figured ya’d show up. Couldn’t resist my gold, eh? Noone can.”
“What is it, you want, Kalos?”
“Follow me. I’ll explain on the way.”
I was nervous about going anywhere with him. But I needed the money for Mum, so I went with him. He was silent for a few minutes. The he started talking. “You ever had a boyfriend, girl?”
“You know, someone ya like? Someone ya… sleep with?” At this point, he got this weird look on his face when he looked at me.
“So you’re saying you’ve never been with a man before?”
“Of course I’ve been with men. This isn’t first time I’ve been around a man.”
Kalos laughed. “You are a virgin, aren’t you? You’re too innocent to not be. Well, I’m in need of a girlfriend. And I’m willing to pay gold.”
What happened after that is too painful. I don’t wanna think about it more than I have to, some I’m just gonna speed through it, okay? He asked if I wanted to have sex with him. At first I thought he was joking because seriously, who’d look at someone and think about having sex with that person? He wasn’t. When I explained I didn’t want to have sex with anyone, he said… He said he’d change that. I don’t know if that’s how sex is supposed to feel, but I don’t wanna risk it to find out.
He dragged me back to his room down the street, where about three other guys were hanging out, drinking and smoking. They stripped me and started laughing. Then they took turns having their way with me. If I resisted, they’d call me names and beat me. Whenever Kalos was having his turn, he’d tell me he’d make a good slut out of me yet. Soon I’d want to have sex with every man I saw. I fell unconscious, but I don’t know if that stopped them. I woke up several times over the next few days, usually to some man pawing my breasts or between my legs. I lost track of time. One day, I woke up on my own. There was nobody in the room. There was nothing except my floor mat and a beaten-up computer.
I crawled over to the computer and got a shock. It had been three months! I had been in a rape-filled stupour for three months! Mum must surely be dead now with noone to take care of her. What did I have to live for? I had never considered suicide before, but why not?
Nonsense, maybe Mum was still alive. Maybe I could find something about her disease on this computer. Well, in hindsight, it was a mistake to search it, because it decided to shut off at that moment. Stupid me didn’t know how computers worked, so I opened it up to fix it. To this day, I don’t know what happened, but here I am. I wound up inside the computer. I was conscious only whenever I was powered up. I had once thought death would be a wonderful release, but this was much worse.
Until you came along. You weren’t searching for the most vulgar and base things you could find. You tried to fix me up, but even your skilled hands can’t fix what centuries of rust and corrosion have done to my circuits. As soon as you remove my hard drive, I’m gonna disappear. I know we’ve never met, but I’m leaving this for you. I guess it’s a thank you.
I don’t know, though, how this is gonna end. Years ago, I would’ve been grateful for an end to my nightmare of a life, but now I’m afraid. I already died and went to hell once, and I don’t wanna go back. You don’t have to do this. I may not be intact, but I’m here, at least. Can you even see this? I’m putting it on the screen. Please, I’m begging you, look at the screen! I know you’re trying to help me, even though you don’t know I’m here, but that’s not the way. I feel you cleaning the dust out of my insides, but that’s not what I need. I just to need to live my life out in peace! Not in a panic! Curse you! Why won’t you look at the screen for one short moment? No, don’t discon”