From the inbox #1064


I was wondering if you folks could help me figure myself out a bit.

I erm… not really sure how to say this succinctly, so apologies in advance for pretty much following with my whole life story.

So… for a very long time i would not have for a moment considered the possibility i could be ace spectrum. I was a late bloomer, as it were. I didn’t have my first relationship until i was nearly 25, and no sexual encounters before it. During that time it bothered me a lot, i wanted sex, and was upset about not being in a relationship. But in retrospect, i’ve been beginning to wonder if those feelings, rather than being genuinely my own sexuality, came from the toxic cultural idea that a guy had to be sexually successful to be of any worth.

My first girlfriend was an Ace, but despite that she was happy enough for me to have my first sexual encounter with her. But about a year into the relationship, she decided she decided celibacy was what she wanted for herself. I didn’t, and without really knowing how to reconcile that, we broke up.

But only for like… 4 months. In the time we had spent together, we had done almost a year long-distance, and built up a really deep connection. We missed eachother too much, and didn’t want to stay apart. We looked into polyamory, and it’s been suiting us. I’m still with her to today. She has another romantic partner and we’re happy.

But now i have found rather unexpectedly that without feeling ashamed over virginity, and not lacking emotional companionship, i have found my motivation to find another sexual partner far, far diminished compared to before all of this.

I mean… I can still see a beautiful person, think of her as “Sexy”, feel sexual feelings, imagine myself in sexual situations with them, etc; but rarely now, without much, much more emotional investment are these thoughts actually followed by the thought that prompts me that i should make sex happen between them and me.

So… i guess with that said, i think my question is this:

Does it sound like this is an Ace spectrum thing? And if so, what would i call myself specifically? Or does it sound more like anxiety, or a libido issue?

I realise labels aren’t everything, but i think i could use one to re-state my sense of idenyity to myself, you know?”

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