Jessica

I struggled for a long time with my sexuality.

There was so much self doubt and so many questions I couldn’t answer. Why didn’t I enjoy sex? Why didn’t I want it? Why I would see someone beautiful and never think of sex? Why would I crush on people regardless of gender without wanting to be sexual with them? How much of this was because I am trans?

I suspected a long time ago that I was asexual, but I couldn’t make that align with the feelings and attractions I felt. I, like so many others, never really thought about what attraction is or how I was experiencing it.  I never thought about how it might differ from what others were experiencing.

It took me a long time to realize that sexual attraction and romantic attraction were separate and could be experienced independently.  But once I did, things started making sense. I’m a panromantic, asexual, trans woman. Suddenly all the pieces just fell into place. I finally understood why I was attracted to certain people and not others, why I didn’t have a type, why being in a relationship was so difficult and exhausting, why they all ended in the ways that they did.

I’ve been telling friends and family for years that I don’t need or want to be in a relationship, that all of my emotional needs are filled by my friendships.  And that’s true. But there is an intimacy I miss sometimes, one friendships don’t quite fill, a sexless physical intimacy.

And that’s want this poem is really about. Me being romantically attracted to someone but knowing that they are always going want and need a sexual intimacy that I have no desire for.  And wanting those things that friendship alone can’t give me.

Jessica

ASEXUAL DESIRE

I want to call you up every day
Listen to your voice
As you tell me about your day
Share with you my own

I want to drown in your laughter
As mine rises in tidal waves
To feel your happiness
Like sunshine on my skin

I want to come over
Watch rom-coms and sci-fi
To be curled up in your arms
On your overstuffed plush couch
My head in your lap
Your arm draped over me
Fingers tracing distracted lazy patterns
Of love on my flesh

I want to feel your warmth
And your strength
Your protection
And your calm

I want to harbor within the shores of your heart

I want to go on dates
Watch the stars rise
And the moon fall

I want to hold your hand
Feel the coarseness of your labors
Embrace my lifelines
To be lifted and spun in the air
For no reason other than joy

I want to lay my head on your chest
Listen to the soft rumble
And gentle whispers
Of your dreams

I want to open my eyes
To the dawn of you
With your tussled hair
And hints of last night’s
Eyeshadow

I want to be loved
To be showered in bouquets
Of romance and gentle touches

I want to be cherished
In candle-lit magical moments
Of us being enough just as we are
Without expectations beyond being

I want to dance through evenings
That are exuberant expressions
Of our love and foreverness

I want all of our fairy-tale moments
To be more than a prelude
To clothes pulled off
Tossed on the floor
To becoming bodies
Calming urges only yours is having

And I want so much
That this was enough for you too
That you didn’t want the bedroom
To be the crowning moment
Of every night together
That you didn’t want the sex
And the sweaty stickiness of release
That you didn’t want
All of the things I never desire

~ Jessica Jaymes © 2018